ass on fire

yeah, this is one of THOSE moments, when you just feel the world around you should suddenly disappear, you be exported to the imaginary world of your dreams, to your past lives or may be future. Times when you think earth was not the only inhabitable planet and wished you could be a part of Mar's Mission. You wish all of a sudden you are diminished to microscopic organisms like an ugly  amoeba , a cute pink bacteria or  the organic molecules or just the H2, N2 or O2  or ozone because it has its beauty benefits ;) 

But no , not at all , this is such a real world and guess what !!! reality always hits you in face with its full force,  so that next time when you pass by any mirror , even casually  you HAVE TO FACE your FACE !!! this bloody broken face every single time.

अ'हम' में ही 'हम' हैं ||

मैं जब ढूंढने जहाँ में 
मोहब्बत निकला .. 
हर शख्स में ..
 हर मंजर पे ..
गर मिला तो,
खुद से ही मिला .. ||


तमाम रिश्तों में , दोस्तों में ..
मेरे यार में , उसके प्यार में
या राह पे चलते हुए
यूँ ही मिले मुसाफिर में ||

दूर से सुनाई देती मंदिरों की घंटियों में ..
बनारस की गंगा आरती में
या अजमेर की एक सर्द शाम,
ग़रीब-नवाज़ की दरगाह पर
पीर को निहारती कातर निगाहों में 
हाथ फैलाए, कांपते होठों की दुआओं में ||  

दिल्ली की उस भोर में 
अपने अज़ीज़ के साथ
लाल किले के बैरिकेड वाले दर्शन में
गुरुद्वारे की सबेरे की चाय और गुरबानी में
नयी जगह पे सबसे अनजान होते हुए भी 
डर क्यों नहीं लगा ?
वहां पर भी मैं खुद से ही मिला ||

उन् अँधेरी रातों में .. 
जब अकेलापन गहराता था
किसी के पास होने का एहसास चाहिए था
बस एक बार ज़रूरत होती थी ,
किसी का हाथ पकड़ लेने की
मेरे सर पे हाथ रख देने की 
पर वक़्त और दूरियों से परे ..
मेरा साथ तो बस वही था ... मैं खुद ||

हाँ मैं प्यार तो करता हूँ तुम सबसे .. 
पर शायद खुद से ज्यादा नहीं कर पाउँगा ||


 Kinksha
28 June 2014

Am I weak coz I love ?

                          Am I weak coz I love  ?


Yes ! The very big question haunting me these days beyond description. I love truly, I love deeply and with all my heart. I do really.
And hold on .. Why did I love ?

I did not love out of any weakness , I am stronger than the tides rolling inside me.
I didn't love out of loneliness, I was surrounded by great friends always .. the ones with the real connection , love and like my extended family.
I did not love because of any petty need .. I am not a nymphomaniac.
I didn't love just to encash the down-pouring attention on me, I created a buzz wherever I went. I am quite comfortable with attention , with no craving for more now.
I didn't love just because he said I am beautiful in a different way. Looks are just a plus with the ideas, purity and honesty in me. Many said that.
I didn't fall in love cos he wrote some poems featuring me on the encounters I thought were just the casual ones. Something as casual as a look in the direction he was coming from. Some others did that too.
I did not love just because it was trending and every other person was falling in true love every other day. I do not follow trends , I make them.
I dint love cos I needed to settle down before growing old or because I needed someone to complete me. I am me , its complete.
I didn't love cos I am one of those typical TV commercial girls who need a costly consistent  pampering with names like 'babu', 'shona' , 'sweety'  n so on !!
I can buy myself coffee, ice creams, dresses , recharge packs, books and trips. 
Yes I read romance and watch romantic movies, but I never thought any of them could possibly be my story. Romance is just a genre of Art not the entire Art. Love Life is not the Whole Life, its a part.
I like Robert Downey , George Cloony, Brad Pitt , Ranbir Kapoor , DevAnand, Arjun Rampal for that matter and he was no Prince Charming with whom I 
HAD TO fall in love at first sight. We mutually disliked each other for several years and fought like worst enemies over some wet friendly patches of time.

In short it was no quick trick of magic show, but an actual practical development of mutual understanding over the years of togetherness mixed with separation. It is not something momentary or casual created in few months, its deep like hell and complex like molecular structure which took its course of evolution. Even Rome wasn't build in a day , forget us. 
The process was great, it evolved me , he says him too. Journey was great, no it wasn't easy at all , was rich. Somehow I belong to him now, find refuge from anything in  'our love' . I used to be highly egoist and egocentric but I lost self in him and found the better one. Something like gold in fire. I fear less now. I care less of how I look, for I know my beauty has ingredients deeper than the look.
I feel committed and I am to him.
But with all this loosing self, I have somehow lost belongingness to me. He can change my moods and fears, but his unkind words and anger are even more powerful. At times, in misunderstandings , his words do hurt me. I simply dismiss their intentional implications and consider it a just a vent of momentary anger. But when it comes to me, I can not hurt him even in my nightmares. Have I gone tender ? Or have I gone  weak in love ?

I can't handle dead people !!

Death is strange. It is irreparable right ? It seems powerful than Life just because it can put an end to Life.
Strange - something that kills the other gets the power on it. Anyways, death annoys me. It seems so clear and easy way out.
Death comes as an achievement to those who want to stay away / run from Life. It brings some irreversible changes in what we do , what we feel and the way we think.  Witnessing a death is just so damn painful. It kills something in you. You thought you know it all and have lived great way. You believed you are going to stay forever to caress all your ambitions to cherish every thing you love. But then suddenly you meet a dead man walking in the street!!. You had no idea of his Life or whether he too is mortal. You are humming your tune and are sweeping in the multitudes of dead people, not at all aware of it. You know you are alive becoz your lungs are puffed with air, heart with feelings and mind with a lot of dreams most of them being impossible ones ;) .
Wow how lively is that. You don't know any other ways of living than dreaming. You were dreamy from the time when you were just a dream of your mom. So on one of the impossible dreamy days ..you flow like casually written poems into the journal of Life and then the shit happens to you. 
You try to share the Life with someone around you as - to Live is to flow to unknowns.
 You carry on talking to people and what flows in your ideas is  music, beats , beauty, love and heart. You expect these are the ingredients of blood that keeps us alive. You presume that blood flows through all.
But no !! they are not real baby.
You think they smiled on your casual hi .. oh sweetie .. they are the mechanical devices programmed to act this way. You know what .. they have an exact set of behaviour for every act of yours. They look as human as you. You know what they said ?
they do not like music, every melody sounds boring and sleepy to them .. they  don't understand most of the beautiful words. They can't take the poems .. its a riddle for them. They are in a constant rush to proceed ahead in their journey to absolutely nowhere. They do not paint , feeling colors is beyond their psuedo intellectual traits. They call it getting hands dirty. Their laughs are as hollow as their chase of nothingness. 
Stories .. ah .. they are such a waste of time.
Watching the stars in the sky on a breezy night under the moonlight  .. that's weird to them. I have no idea how to handle encounters with such people in streets. And you know what they think of themselves ? Bloody unique, special and different. They are just so sure and proud of their hollowness that it scares me to depths. They would make a casual remark on your lively Life ... with stoned eyes devoid of any emotion or knowledge about anything and you feel like punching them in the face. You feel like shouting, telling them to just fuck off and carry on with their dead programmed stereotyped Lives. Tell them to Continue cribbing people , saying stupid things with little knowledge about reality. 
Reality ... excuse me ? that seeks a level of honesty , that needs an eye of insight, an introspection , a thinking which is less infected by pseudotypes ,  hypocrisy and show off. 
They can be anything but real. They are the materialistic dummies, the fake painted infectious zombies .. the evil zombies. They are just everywhere.They are in people who prefer being on a smart phone than in a smart company, who are too busy on their way to office to notice a plant which started blooming this spring, who give absurd impossible ideas in the meetings just to show off that they are more dead than other deads in room :-D.
They are the ones who don't know Gulzar, those who don't listen to music, who don't know what Sufi is, say they rate Rock music, don't like Euphoria/Strings/Coke studios and claim to be great programmers.
They are infectious beware !!! They may try to suck Life out of you by their material traits and ambitions, remember how they feed on blood (Life). They are great manipulators. They may make you fall in intellectual trap.
They are the dead people and  I can't handle dead people.

Writers Write and That's It !

yes .. 
It is happening again .. Something that just used to happen .. long back . 
Something neglected , forgotten , lost and being craved for. It is happening . Something that was destined. We being human, tend to run away from the originality and curtail the reality in a hope that we will be able to run faster than Life , stand smarter than destiny ... 
But alas ! we actually find shelter in originality .. 
No no not as defined by the intellectual mozarts  or enlightened sermons , nor some wild hippies , some super drunk philosophers but in our own originality  which is unique . For which we continue fretting  throughout the Life , and if you believe in concept of Life after death / many lives then till many lives. This goes on, until we discover what our original selves are and what is the damn purpose of us being here. Apologies for deluding you from the original track .. I am just too out of practice :-D

So yes it is happening , really I can't believe its true .. I cant believe my eyes .. I can't believe the fingers are actually doing it .. this is just so relieving. I needed this so much since always. I have no idea when I got disconnected from such a wonderful meditation and lost track in woods somewhere, chasing the wild goose, of no use. Well anyways , look I am really doing it. great isn't it ? aah .. u don't need to answer that I am enough to stand by this awesome nostalgic experience of returning home.
Well .. Well hold your horses before they take a dirty track ;-) 
So before I overdo the suspense part of it .. let me introduce myself . 
hey all .. I am a writer , a lost , forgotten , out of form , busy with mundane events , chasing the stupid goals , I forgot the real elements of myself and my Life. This is what I like to do .. 
scribble anything to everything , 
to dramatize, 
to make fun 
 to laugh with all the air in my heart  , 
take a breath so deep and voluminous that at times I fear bursting my own lungs, 
to feel everything giving maximum relaxation to the grey matter ( if any :D)
at times to cry so deep that I suspect I would ever comeback
to Love 
to miss 
to long 
to dream 
to live Life.

I have not been writing actively, believe me , it was damn suffocating. It was a murder to which I am the convict and also the victim sadly. Basically, just saw some of my friends writing stupid things in their blog posts , using it to vent our their frustration against everyone. Yes they have a problem with everything and everyone . To them every encounter is just painful and every other person in street is such a darn enemy. Goshh ! I am lucky to be able to see and feel the positivity in Life and hence I am back to my Love. Thank you ! I will polarize your negatives to my positives :D  :P 


So the crux is : Writers Write and That's It ! (Copied)

Please Be !!

 
It is a rainy sunday morning, woke up early @11 AM .. whatt ?? yes its early for me as I usually wake up at 1 PM on weekends. RAins --- Nothing new .. ehhh ? Pune rains not a rare sight but we soon cease to realize the importance of things once we are blessed with their abundance. In Life too , we stop valuing things after getting them, things that we used to crave for , people that we used to love being with , moments that we dreamt of .. happiness that was just a dream, yet to come true. 



So basically, I was having my morning tea by my window side watching the rains outside , watching roads/people getting drained and hence it is the time for me to get immersed in my writings and some old memories. I was listening to some good old songs, not the classic ones but old with reference to my life events.. Songs that remind me of the good times  that I happened to spend with my best friend under the same roof. I closed my eyes and was able to feel , to  re - live and also see myself right there in my room at Lucknow in my customized life. My room , my kitchen , my music system that I jointly owned with my roomie of 7 plus years, my novel collection , my kaam wali bai , my Tulsi ... my friends and all those things which I considered would be mine always ! Pheww ... but you see people change places , they do they change themselves , they move and move on , they dissappear .. things change , places change , hence Life changes. Yess .. but there always will be a striking resemblance between "YOU of now" and "you of then".  All You need is that one connecting point that would bootstrap to those good old times where you feel like spending a Lifetime. That can be anything as material as a photograph , a movie , songs , gifts , diaries , poems written in those days or as immaterial as a person resembling your loved one in crowd , or just a  random breeze or even the mundane Pune rains like today's . You see things that used to surround you , support you , sustains you may not be around now  but certainly there are other things or the remains of those things only, that kept you going so far. That's why you are ALIVE and you were able to feel all this and get yourself transported to those memories. 


So its you whom you can always save and never let go. If you are able to save yourself, bingo ! you save the world, at least your world. Your first and foremost duty is being honest to yourself , to Life. Accept what you are , what you love and also what you can't withstand. Be with the one you love and wish to be, but before that be with self. Please Be !! 


Tracks :

# Phir le aya dil -- Barfi
# Jee le zara  -- Talaash
# Jiya lage na tum bina mora --- Talaash
# Saaiyan me re saaiyan -- Heroine