Am I weak coz I love ?
Yes ! The very big question haunting me these days beyond description. I love truly, I love deeply and with all my heart. I do really.
And hold on .. Why did I love ?
I did not love out of any weakness , I am stronger than the tides rolling inside me.
I didn't love out of loneliness, I was surrounded by great friends always .. the ones with the real connection , love and like my extended family.
I did not love because of any petty need .. I am not a nymphomaniac.
I didn't love just to encash the down-pouring attention on me, I created a buzz wherever I went. I am quite comfortable with attention , with no craving for more now.
I didn't love just because he said I am beautiful in a different way. Looks are just a plus with the ideas, purity and honesty in me. Many said that.
I didn't fall in love cos he wrote some poems featuring me on the encounters I thought were just the casual ones. Something as casual as a look in the direction he was coming from. Some others did that too.
I did not love just because it was trending and every other person was falling in true love every other day. I do not follow trends , I make them.
I dint love cos I needed to settle down before growing old or because I needed someone to complete me. I am me , its complete.
I didn't love cos I am one of those typical TV commercial girls who need a costly consistent pampering with names like 'babu', 'shona' , 'sweety' n so on !!
I can buy myself coffee, ice creams, dresses , recharge packs, books and trips.
Yes I read romance and watch romantic movies, but I never thought any of them could possibly be my story. Romance is just a genre of Art not the entire Art. Love Life is not the Whole Life, its a part.
I like Robert Downey , George Cloony, Brad Pitt , Ranbir Kapoor , DevAnand, Arjun Rampal for that matter and he was no Prince Charming with whom I
HAD TO fall in love at first sight. We mutually disliked each other for several years and fought like worst enemies over some wet friendly patches of time.
In short it was no quick trick of magic show, but an actual practical development of mutual understanding over the years of togetherness mixed with separation. It is not something momentary or casual created in few months, its deep like hell and complex like molecular structure which took its course of evolution. Even Rome wasn't build in a day , forget us.
The process was great, it evolved me , he says him too. Journey was great, no it wasn't easy at all , was rich. Somehow I belong to him now, find refuge from anything in 'our love' . I used to be highly egoist and egocentric but I lost self in him and found the better one. Something like gold in fire. I fear less now. I care less of how I look, for I know my beauty has ingredients deeper than the look.
I feel committed and I am to him.
But with all this loosing self, I have somehow lost belongingness to me. He can change my moods and fears, but his unkind words and anger are even more powerful. At times, in misunderstandings , his words do hurt me. I simply dismiss their intentional implications and consider it a just a vent of momentary anger. But when it comes to me, I can not hurt him even in my nightmares. Have I gone tender ? Or have I gone weak in love ?